2015

I cannot wait for the new year to start. I look forward to the future even more now because of my son. I am eager and curious to see what awaits us. I know that I will continue to work hard towards my associates degree at Sullivan. I have a little over a year left. If I stick with 3 classes this coming summer then I should finish early 2016. I just don't know what my financial aid is going to do and my education depends on it. I hope that I get lucky and get my aid filled out early and can snag some of the grant that is only given out to a select few. I am trying not to worry about it because I know that worrying does no good. Sullivan isn't really good about communicating well about financial aid. I have an advisor who I don't believe knows much about what is going on. I have been told my books for 2015 will not be charged to my scholarship money so I hope that turns out to be correct. Usually when I get my hopes up about something there it turns out to not work out. I worked hard to earn those scholarships and you can only get them for one year so it is important to me to receive them. I guess I will just have to wait and see because with the holidays no one has been in the office so I guess the scholarships are just floating out there somewhere.

I will also work hard to get prepared for the big test for Personal Training. I know I have those people out there who don't believe in me and that is fine. I never have given the impression that my goals were easy because they are not. I don't know if I can get the money together to start my own studio and I don't know if it will be successful but I am willing to try because I want to be my own boss at something that I am passionate about. I still have so much to learn and online education is not easy because basically you are teaching yourself everything. I will have errors and I will learn how to correct them. I just want to help people and at the same time be able to have my son around so I can watch him grow up. My plan is to have my own business and have an area for him to be watched so I can pop in anytime I want and see him and make sure he is okay. I want to spend as much time with him as I can because I know that one day he will no longer need me and will be an independent teenager. He may very well be my only child so I am going to make sure I spoil him with love.

I am reaching my fitness goals and I love it! I just have to keep pushing harder because three years of being bad to my body has left me with more weight to lose rather than just baby weight. My stomach seems to be shrinking at turtle speed and it would be nice if it would catch up with the rest of me.

 I love my son more than words can say and every single day I look forward to what is ahead because I know he will be there. He makes my day when I wake up and see that sweet, innocent smile just waiting for mommy to say hello. I never knew just how much this little guy would capture my heart and I would do absolutely anything for him.

The best thing

The best thing about being a mother is watching your child learn and grow. It is sad in a way to watch them grow so fast and to see time just fly by. There comes that moment though when you just know your child loves you just as much as you love them and that will be the thing that lasts no matter what age they are. My son learned to grab his foot today and he stuffed it in his mouth. It made me laugh so hard he started laughing. I never care if I make a fool of myself. I just love to see him smile. Sometimes when other people are holding him I will walk on past and he will start crying. I know then that mommy has a special place in his little bitty heart. He is the best thing that will ever happen to me and these 6 months have been the best of my life. He is  number one on my list as soon as I get up and I great him with a smile and a million kisses. Being a mom truly is a blessing and though I don't know what to do at times it is true that there is a natural instinct to motherhood. He is always smiling and I know when I look down and see that little smirk he has that I am doing something right. His first Christmas is going to be one to really cherish. He isn't old enough to remember but I am doing my best to make it a good one. I hope that when he is grown I still remember the little things like how cute his chubby little hands are and how he makes a noise like a puppy panting when he gets excited. I hope I remember how he smiles when I rub his check and how he likes to be called bubby. Every single day I see him learn and grow and I often wonder what the future has in store for my little man. What will be his dreams and who will he want to become.?I am fortunate to have a family that embraced my baby boy from the moment they all laid eyes on him. He has so many people to teach him the ways of life and that is a blessing. He is kissed and hugged more times than I can count during the day. He will always know that it doesn't matter the things he doesn't have he has the thing that matters most and that is unconditional love. I have a demanding child so some days my patience comes into play more than others. It is worth it though and like everything these crazy stages will pass. We have dealt with colic and survived so I think we will survive the teething to. I am so thankful to be Landon Wade Wafford's mother and I hope that as the days past I remind myself to stop and take in all of the little things so that I can forever remember the joy of watching my son grow.

Long time no see

Oh wow it has been so long since I have written in my blog because I have not had a computer. The library does not leave much time to do extra. I am super happy that finally I have an actual computer again. I don't know what to do with myself. This is the first big thing I have been able to buy as an adult and it has been a long time coming. After years of failing miserably at life I think that I have finally found my purpose and I owe it all to my son Landon Wade. I never imagined that such a beautiful gift was in store for me. My life in no way was headed towards having a child. God had a bigger plan and as I have often said my son saved my life. Not many people could really see except a few just how dark my world was. All of that changed the very day I found out I was pregnant. I left that life behind and that last pregnancy was the light beginning to glow into my life again. A son changes things for people like me who have never known true love, especially from a male figure. It changes things in a way that not many people understand. I started learning what true love was the minute it was confirmed I was pregnant. I began to make the sacrifices I needed because a tiny human was now depending on me. I walked out of a job that was sucking my very soul out of me and I never looked back. I had no money and no real plan except to do whatever I had to bring this child into a beautiful world. I would not change a thing. I have forgiven myself for what I did to others while I was in this dark place and have hoped that somewhere down the line they have forgiven me.  I have learned that you definitely cannot change the past and that the things you do sometimes are hard to forget. I cannot let it consume me because I want my son to know nothing but joy and happiness. I am in the best place I believe I have ever been in my life. I still live paycheck to paycheck but my son has everything he needs and that is a blessing. I am able to pay for my personal training education and as soon as the tuition is paid in full I am eligible to be certified. I will not let my dream of having my own studio die. I know that I can accomplish this because I have the biggest, sweetest fan anyone could ask for. I want my son to grow up being proud of me because my past does not matter and it surely doesn't define me. I want to able to provide for him and not have to worry about when the next payday is. I continue my teaching degree as my back up plan because if having my own business fails I need something that will pay the bills. There were days where I didn't care if I woke up or not. Everything was crashing down around me and I lost everything in the fire. It is more humbling than ever to start over because I know that what I accomplish now is because I have worked for it. I will be able to purchase a car next year. My GPA at Sullivan is great. I finished my personal training and have my certificate on my wall. I know longer pass from day to day. Now I wake up cherishing another day and I wake up to the most beautiful part of my life. My sweet baby boy. When he looks at me I know unconditional love and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't make every decision I can with him in mind. I will better his life in every single way I possibly can so that at the end of my life I can be certain I fulfilled what was intended for my life. My purpose now is to love this little child as much as I can and fill his life with as much happiness and joy as I can. He is my hero in every single way and I thank God that he sent me and Angel. Sometimes it takes people longer than others to finally find the meaning of life. Never give up because a clean slate is always possible and it is never to late or never to impossible.

_ Babies _

It really is sad that I still have not heard from Landon's dad. I don't know how someone could just completely write off a child and disappear. Men use the excuse it might not be mine just so they can get out of taking responsibility. I can't imagine how many stamps I have wasted on letters that have probably not even be read. As the date gets closer I wonder is he ever going to be apart of anything at all? Will a paternity test change anything? If he never wanted another child I guess nothing will change is mind. He will at least take financial responsibility because as soon as I can I am filing for child support. He is not going to go this whole child's life not claiming him because the paternity test is going to prove everything. Looks like at this point a judge will have to order one because as always he father is missing and has no intention I suppose of calling or finding out anything. Once babies get to a certain point they can come anytime if they want. Due dates are just estimates. Some babies come early, some late and some right around the due date. Does he really think the baby will wait? I have never hated anyone in my life. It is such a strong word that even now I don't know if I should use it. The guy I was with for 3 years stole 7,000 dollars from me, was physically and mentally abusive and cheated on me for quite some time. Yet I do not dislike him as much as Landon's Dad. He never once put the baby first or realized what this baby deserves. He just said no one would force him to live his life a certain way. Now I can see why he isn't married anymore. I see that he is still having fun with the girl he started seeing long before I even got an official pregnancy test. It really makes me sick. I know that their are men like this out there everywhere but what would be the chances I would find them?

Despite it all I have the best gift in this entire world. I am the one coming out on the best side. If he ever tries to follow through with his threats to take my baby I will fight him until the day I die. This man that clearly said he never wanted this baby will never have custody of my child. He will never be raised by someone who does not love him and probably never will. He has not been present this whole entire pregnancy. He has not bought a single thing and I get the feeling his one call was only in hopes that everything wasn't going well. He never clearly said abortion but I know from his attitude that is what he wanted. My baby boy has been strong. His heart has always been more mature. Everytime I got to the doctor they say he must be a happy baby. He will be strong when he is born as well. I have never been happier and this has been the most exciting journey ever. It is hard physically and emotionally but everyday I cherish because I know what is inside me. I wake up knowing I am one day closer to meeting my sweet baby boy. I know that he will never be anything like his father. I don't know yet what I will tell him about his Father. He may want to be apart of Landon's life but he may not. Even if he does 9 months of his life he has disappeared and not shown at all that he cares. How do you ever tell a child that one parent never wanted him? All I know is to show him enough love so that he never has to wonder why. All children deserve two parents but it doesn't always work out that way. It is easy for the man to find another women and run off like nothing ever happened. I do not regret anything that I have went through because I know that I can do it on my own. I have good friends and good family that have contributed to the things Landon needs and that makes me happy. 6 more weeks until I get to meet my baby boy. A week or two early wouldn't hurt :)

Third trimester

I am so exhausted today I cannot even think. This last trimester is wearing me down quick. I am yet again running out of clothes that fit and it gets depressing looking at my summer clothes from last year. I am more than ready for Landon to get here. Carrying a baby is a lot harder physically than I ever imgined. Simple things become exhausting and I wonder how in the world am I going to make it another 7 weeks? I did not see feeling this bad at all. I still have yet to reach Landons dad to see if he will be there for the birth. It is getting closer and anything could happen. I would just rather know what his intentions are so that I can make arrangements. I never know what he is thinking and sometimes my mind wanders back to him saying he would take the baby from me. Would he really do that? I would die without my baby boy. He is apart of me and I have come to love him more than anything in this life. If I did not have him I do not think I could make it through. I would like to think he would not be that cruel but again afterall I do not really know him at all. To post on his wall he was in a relationship when I first started seeing him made me question if he ever really was a good person or not. He never told me back in august in he was seeing anyone or anytime after that. Is it just a cover to pretend to the world he did not father this child? I am sorry but once the paternity test is done there will be no denying it. He can tell whoeever he wants it is not his but it is and I hope soon he has to man up. I have paid for everything. He has not called much less bought a single diaper or bottle. He will probably get my voicemail today and disregard it like he has every other text, call, or letter. That is ok because I will not wait even a week after Landons born to file for child support. I do not care if you want a child or not. You create one , you take responsiblity for one. Now I just sit back and wait until Landons ready to come into the world. In the meantime just praying I make it until then. He is already turned and I feel less kicks. Now I just feel him pressing hard against my stomach and when I put my hand there he will move away. So cute! He also has the hiccups quite a bit. Meeting my boy will be the best day of my life. 

So happy

Being pregnant has been the most joyus thing to ever happen to me. I need to get documented all the things along the way I want to remember.  Being in the third trimester I am counting down the days until my little one gets here. Even though I want him here now I want him to come when he is ready and healthy. There seems to be so many things left to do before he gets here. Planning takes work and because I love being organized I have to have everything done or it will bother me for sure. The not sleeping and tossing and turning is one of the downfalls of pregnancy. I have not slept since the first trimester. I went through a stage of nightmares and vivid scary dreams in the second. Now I dream about all the male celebrites that I am a fan of. The worst part is standing on my feet. After two hours the aches start to come. After four hours straight it is unbearable. It is making work difficult and I worry about how long I can do it. If I am strained and exhausted will it affect Landon? I have no help from Landons creater. I decided to quit calling him father because he has not earned that title. I have heard from him once since feb. All of my voicemails and letters go unanswered. I really am scared he will not be there for the birth. He said he would look into why my calls are not going through. That was just another lie. I still get sad but I have bought everything, attended every doctors appointment alone and prepared the best that I could. I am use to doing it alone and comfortable doing it alone. Sure I worry about his threats once to take him away but I know that it will not happen. I am going to be a great mom. No one will ever love him like I do. I see hope in potential in him and I know I will give him a good life. He will be my little buddy. I am taking classes for teacher and personal training so that I have options to support us. No time to slack or put off some type of degree anymore. So far except for one class I am doing good. Hopefully Friday I will figure out what is going on with my math class. Life can only get better. The doctors say he is a happy baby and that makes me beam. I can only strive to make his life nothing but  happiness and joy.

STRANGELY SO

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SOME PEOPLE ARE SO MISERABLE. WHAT MAKES YOUR LIFE SO BAD THAT ALL YOU CAN SEEM TO DO IS COMPLAIN FROM THE TIME YOU WAKE UP TO THE TIME YOU GO BED? EVERYONE MAKES CHOICES SO WHY COMPLAIN AFTER YOU HAVE MADE THOSE CHOICES? IT SIMPLY BLOWS MY MIND BUT I AM SICK OF THE NEGATIVITY DAY AFTER DAY. WHEN THERE IS REALLY SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THEN MAYBE I WILL UNDERSTAND BUT AT THIS POINT ALL I SEE IS SOMEONE TAKING THEIR UNHAPPINESS ON OTHERS. STOP BRINGING PEOPLE DOWN BECAUSE YOU ARE MISERABLE. ONE DAY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE ME SNAP AND WHEN I DO I DO NOT THINK THEY SHOULD QUESTION WHY. TO ME CHILDREN ARE GIFTS. YOU CANNOT CHOOSE TO HAVE THEM OR ADOPT THEM AND THEN TELL THEM EVERYDAY YOU WISH THEY WERE NOT HERE . GROWN KIDS CAN OVERLOOK IT BUT I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT IT DOES A CHILD. I CAN SEE THE CONSEQUNCES OF IT FOR SURE. THE ACTING OUT AND NEVER LISTENING. I DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT I JUST LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY I DO NOT HAVE TO BE SUBJECTED TO IT. 

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH. I SAW A RECENT PICTURE OF SOMEONE THAT MADE ME THINK. NO ONE EVER KNOWS HOW SOMEONE ELSE IS FEELING. AS MUCH AS WE TRY TO IMAGINE FROM OUR MINDS WHAT SOMEONE IS FEELING BECAUSE OF THEIR ACTIONS WE NEVER REALLY KNOW. I DO KNOW THAT ANGER AND HURTING OTHER PEOPLE ARE WAYS PEOPLE COPE WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG. SO I WILL LOOK PAST ALL THIS PERSON HAS DONE AND TRY TO SEE THAT THEY TO MAY BE STRUGGLING WITH WHAT  IS GOING ON. I WILL NOT ENTIRELY FORGET BUT I CAN PUT MYSELF IN THEIR SHOES. 

DO NOT TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED MY FRIENDS. THERE IS NOTHING THAT IS THROWN IN OUR PATHS THAT CANNOT BE OVERCOME. DO NOT LET SITUATIONS MAKE YOU BITTER.  LET THEM MAKE YOUR STRONGER. CHERISH YOUR CHILDREN. DO NOT HAVE THEM IF YOU DO NOT TRULY WANT THEM. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY BECAUSE WORDS CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK.

HARD WAY

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE SOMEWHERE TRYING TO BRING YOU DOWN , WHEN THEY ARE MISERABLE AND YOU ARE HAPPY THEY TRY EVERYTHING TO BRING YOU DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL . PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START LEARNING THE HARD WAY THAT I WILL NOT BE TREATED JUST ANYWAY. I HAVE TO TAKE OUT ON THE KIDS WHAT IS MY MOMS FAULT. I SUPPLIED DINNER TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AND BOUGHT THE KIDS SHIRTS AND ALL I HEAR IS HER GETTING MAD AT SOMEONE ELSE AND SAYING SHE WILL CALL THE COPS AND HAVE THE GROWN KIDS SET OUT. I AM BEYOND SICK OF IT. I ALREADY AM AWARE SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM. SO I WILL NOT BE BUYING THE KIDS ANYTHING ELSE. I WILL NOT BE SPENDING ANOTHER DIME ON THEM BECAUSE SHE CHOOSES TO BE MISERABLE AND NOT APPRECIATE  ANYTHING. IVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE NOT EVEN WANT THEIR OWN KIDS AROUND. AS OF TODAY THINGS ARE CHANGING. I WILL GO EVERYWHERE BY MYSELF AND SPEND MONEY ON MY OWN CHILD. THERE WILL BE NO MORE GROCERIES BOUGHT OR BABYSITTING. NOT SURE WHAT THEY WILL  DO ON SPRING BREAK FOR LUNCH BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING BUT HAMBURGER HELPER THEY CANT FIX. AS I COOL DOWN FROM THE LATEST YELLING INCIDENT I WILL RETURN TO MY HAPPINESS. ILL MAKE PLANS SOONER OR LATER SO ME AND MY BABY CAN BE GONE FROM THIS MADNESS. 

My Boy

Becoming a parent is the most exciting thing that will ever happen to me. I can't believe me and my boy have made it to 25 weeks. Everyday is about preparing the best I can because once I get to 35 weeks there's no telling when he will come. No words can describe how happy and at peace I am. There are days that are stressful when it comes to thinking about how I'll manage financially. The father has not been there and I don't really know if he will ever be. I won't stop reaching out to him though because my boy deserves two parents. I have let go of the fact that he was seeing someone else before my official doctor visit. I am over him saying he would be there and attend appointments and help financially. No reason to hang on to this because no matter what my joy will not be taken away. He has threatened to try and take him from me. I don't want my baby in a long court drawn out battle. My prayer is we can work out a good plan to co-parent him when he's old enough. My prayer is he will financially do what he is supposed to do. I keep every receipt of everything I buy because I want him to know what he needs to invest now. I can't imagine a day without my boy or even worse having him taken from me. Threats like that are heartless and I will never forgive him for saying it. Whether he meant it or not I have loved this boy since the day I knew he existed and no one will ever love him like I do. I am very anxious for him to get here and I feel like then my life will have meaning and will really begin. Every decision I make is for him. My fall at work thank goodness was nothing major. Landon was fine and that's all that matters. I was really hurt to find out my mom and my brother had said that I made the whole thing up just to use her van to do things with. I would never lie about my baby. Second I never had the van. Jordan dropped me off, picked me up and then went to work. My wish is to get away from them. Constant negativity and saying things like that is not something I want my baby around. My own family sits and talks about each other behind their backs and it's disgusting. Maybe if certain people in that house would get a life and stop living in a way that isn't even right it would be a lot better. I don't want my child around all that and I'll do whatever I have to so that he is away from it. I would keep my child my from my family. If they continue to leave me without a ride to appointments and continue talk about me I will leave and never come back.

Time

Trying to enjoy everyday because this time will not last forever. Once The baby comes time will go by even quicker. I want to enjoy every moment. Counting down The days until I know it's a boy or girl. I will take a healthy baby of any gender. I've made tons of mistakes when it comes to not letting The father have a say in very much. I do regret that. I regret The things I've said in anger. Mostly I regret The things I said and did to make him run The other way. The only thing important though is he be apart of The Childs life. It's all I can ask for at this point. I want him to have a say in everything from here on out. I am so happy to hear The babies heartbeat and know,that things are progressing well. My 20 week scan will ease,my mind even more. I just want a healthy baby and I pray for it daily. Prayer does work and I've had many answered prayers. I can't wait to start getting a regular pay check and start buying all The things I'll need for baby. I've never been happier in my entire life. I do regret not changing my life sooner. For my families sake and The relationship I had might have been saved. I must let go of what I should have done and be grateful that it's changed now. I cannot say im sorry enough to people I love and to The babies father. I did care for him and I should have changed because I cherished what was beginning. I let go of The pain though and know my new journey is just beginning.

To you father to be....

Everyone knows that the past cannot be changed. The longer one holds onto the things that don't matter anymore the harder it is to live a fruitful future. I lost my way for a couple of years and it has caused many strife's in my life. Being sucked into a world where you don't belong is a tough thing to overcome. I am not proud of the last few years of my life. If I had met someone at a different time and not in the midst of all the garbage then maybe it would have turned out differently. I can't keep beating myself up over what has been. I was asked several times by this person if it caused so many problems why didn't you leave. It is people that are quick to judge that cannot ever be explained anything to. It wasn't that easy just to leave. I hated every minute of it but caught up in the angry and depression of things that had occurred in the past years I couldn't budge. I saw what the right thing was and I wanted it but I was stuck. So as I watched my relationship with this person fall down the tubs I kept saying that I would change. I just changed to late for that. It isn't to late for me and my life and my precious baby. Maybe if they had been more understanding then it would have worked out. To throw in my face that the new girlfriend is much better than me and hasn't lived the life I have is hurtful. I know though that no matter what my heart didn't change. Maybe she can't even comprehend my life for even a second but I can guarantee that her heart is nowhere near mine. She surely will never be better than me. I am finding peace with the way things are and that is all that matters. What was isn't anymore and I am letting that go. The future is still bright and I can turn everything around. Things will never have to be what they where. No matter what though you should never turn your back on the person carrying the child you created. That is what I struggle with the most. I read old texts and it makes me sad because how can a person change they way the feel overnight? What kind of person wakes up one and decides that another girl is the way the want to go? I guess a person who is fake and never really cared. A baby isn't something to run away from. It isn't going to make your life miserable or change anything about the way you live it. I am the one that will take care of it so you don't really have to worry about all the superficial things you think are on the line. You say I don't have a right to be hurt? Well I sure as heck do. You got me pregnant and then disappeared. Suddenly you couldn't stand a thing about me. It is true you never wanted the baby and your words were I am sorry it turned out the way that it did but things moved to fast for me. You asked me once if I had feelings for you. You asked me another time if I loved you. So when I gave you the answer why would you through it in my face later? Maybe you say we only saw each other six times as a way to cover up everything to your new girlfriend but that is a lie. I have every text you sent and I know exactly how many times we were together and it was a lot more than six. You say a lot of shitty things that aren't true and I don't understand why? I get mad and I say things but I don't twist the truth or downplay anything for someone else. You have said nothing but it's probably not yours since the day you found out I was pregnant. You constantly say that you heard I was running around with all kinds of people and I don't ever know where you get that from. No wonder my friend blew up on you. Who is going to sit by and let their best friend be degraded? You think I can't get hints and that's why I still text you. Not true. I never asked you for a commitment. I didn't like the things you were doing but I never asked for you to stop. I still text you because I keep praying that you will stop all this nonsense and stop missing out on what's important. The child that I carry. I hope you feel really stupid when the test is done and you realize I was right all along. There is no other way it could be. I will never accept any apology for all your putting me through. You did abandon me and the baby because if you cared you would be there for appointments you would want to know. I will always have a right to text you whenever I want because you got me into this. I don't regret it for a single day because this baby is the best thing to ever happen to me. It has changed my life and the way I feel and the way I want things to be for the future. The baby is a miracle and it saved me for the shit hole life I was living. I am just sorry that you cannot see all the good it could bring to your life.

Moving forward

People say to just move on but it's hard. It breaks my heart my baby will grow up without it's father. Or if he decides to pop back up it will have two parents who can't get along. I can't forgive him for what he's done. I'll always have that underlying anger because he kicked me out of his life and had someone else before I could even say his name. What makes a person just decide one day to get rid of someone and suddenly say a million things are wrong with them? I think I have a right to have mood swings. I have a right to worry and be highstrung. Everything happened way to fast. I didn't run away though like he did. I didn't give up. I don't have a clue anymore what he wants or what he's capable of. His statement I could stay with him until The baby was born then he'd raise it was so stupid! Downright cruel. I've been left a lot but I never imagined I would because of a baby. It's exhausting worrying all by myself. It's saddening to see all The other fathers there while I am alone. I pray one day he can be happy about this. Maybe it's just me and if it were anyone else he would have made it work. Im tired of trying to reach out because he remains silent. My heart aches for me and The baby. I'll love it enough for two but I still wish he were here.

The worst

The worst thing is missing someone who doesn't even think twice about you. I don't ever regret getting pregnant I just regret The father. He can say what he wants but he booted me out of his life because of The baby. Things moved to fast and I guess he believes it's all my fault. Last I checked it takes two to make a baby. It doesn't matter how fast things move. There's still The right thing and The wrong thing. I definitely feel he's done The wrong thing. No need to tell him anything anymore because if he was interested or concerned he wouldn't have disappeared. Must be nice for him to run away and move on. Not exactly like I can escape what he helped create. Pregnancy is definitely an experience. Lately I feel like I can't breathe. Short walks seem to exhaust me. Nausea has lessened but I do feel tired quite a bit. Nothing like seeing my little baby bump. I can't wait to meet my little one. Praying for baby and just hoping baby is happy and healthy. Very anxious for my next appointment.

Baby

Sometimes it doesn't seem real that I'll be having a baby. I never imagined I would be a mother. Even though The father is not around I did love him and I don't regret things happening The way they did. Miracles and blessings don't have a timetable. They are very much unexpected. The only thing I regret is that he doesn't feel The same. It is true dreams are more frequent and more vivid during pregnancy. I dream just about every night and sometimes two or three dreams a night. Hate when I dream about him. Sadly he didn't take The time to really get to know me and maybe he didn't want to. I do get sad there is no one here to be happy with me about The baby. All The doctor,appointments I'll have to go to alone . Mostly The delivery I'll have to face alone. Despite that nothing changes The fact I'm happy and June 20th seems so far away. :)

16 weeks

Hard to believe that today makes 16 weeks. The only complaints I have are waking up hungry and going to The bathroom a million times. I also have to complain that The father has completely cut me out of his life. I don't understand why he cannot be happy. This isn't going to affect his life in a negative way. He will still be able to see who he wants, do what he wants, travel, party and whatever else he does. The only thing changing is he is bringing another human into The world. He feels pressure I guess to be committed when I never asked him for that. I wanted it but I never asked him for it. Does he suddenly think that appearing after 9 months will make him a father? Not to me. Being a father means being there now. Leaving someone to do everything on their own then suddenly appearing doesn't make you a good person.  I feel as if he just doesn't want to give up his lifestyle of drinking with his friends and seeing as many girls as he can. I feel nothing but hurt by him . It isn't true what he claimed that he couldn't have anymore kids . So he leaves me to deal with what he lied about. Im angry but im sad. To ask someone to not keep their child is wrong. To ask them to make a decision that would forever hurt them is selfish and cruel. So I lost him because I chose what was right. No matter what he said it wasn't until he knew I was pregnant that his whole tone towards me changed. He was mean from The very first test. I could hear in his voice he never wanted this child. I still get sad at night but I tell baby it doesn't matter. I love him or her and want them more than anything.

2014

A new year is finally here. I am not at all sad to see 2013 go. I am much looking forward to 2014. It will be The best year of my life because in June I'll be bringing a little one into this world. I never thought I would get The chance to be a parent. All my relationships have never left me with The feeling it would be possible. I guess what's meant to be always is and that's why I call this baby my miracle baby. From The day I found out my whole life changed and this baby has saved me from The misery that was my life. I prayed for a change and I got something that will forever change everything. I am just sad The father chooses to not be apart of this. All we've done is argue because I wanted this baby and he didn't. It wasn't something planned and for him to say things moved to fast is so childish. How do you expect it to be when suddenly a child is created by two people. I didn't do this on my own. We've only been seeing each other since August so yes things did move quick but I never imagined he'd just kick me out of his life. The kicker is seeing someone else. I feel alone and it's not a good feeling. I just hold it together for The baby. I want The best for it now and forever. Stress isn't something I want to put on it while it's depending on me to bring it into this life. You simply can't change The way people feel. I can only move forward. Baby will not lack love and all it needs is someone who wants it and will do everything in their power to protect it as it grows. When I get frustrated and want to cry I just take a deep breathe. I've left everything negative behind in The old year. I steer how The next 364 days will be. I worry about baby everyday and can't wait to finally get into The doctor and see it and hear it's heartbeat. Praying. Happy 2014.