Hello 2015

I could not be more happier to go into 2015! This year holds a lot of promise for me and my son. I really hope to pass the certification exam so I can start working towards opening my studio in 2016. I am also ready to purchase my very own car after taxes arrive. I haven't had a car in so long I can't remember and purchasing one by myself will be a great accomplishment for myself. I also plan on writing more blogs this year. I don't want to forget anything about raising my son and our adventures. I plan to take more time for the little things this year and try to balance all of my obligations while always placing my son first. He will not be little forever and I would rather enjoy this time and put other things off for later than look back and regret not spending the time while I had it. It isn't easy at times to go to school at Sullivan, personal training and raise a child but I am managing well. My plan is to start getting up two hours earlier than him and get a jump start on everything. Who needs sleep anyway right? Lots of people are saying they hope they find love in 2015. Well not me. It isn't in my plan anymore to have a relationship. If it happens it happens but I never need that to be secure or happy. I certainly will never chase anyone again. The men in my past have not left me bitter so to speak but have taught me that if you are not valued do not even bother. So many people think that having a relationship will solve all of their problems. They can't be happy being single and that is not healthy. I am content where I am at and the only thing I am worried about is having a career and my son. I want to be successful and be comfortable and then maybe I will date. Like I've said my feelings would not be hurt if it were just me and my son forever. Life has a different meaning for me now and things that were important to me once aren't anymore. I truly enjoy being around my son and I don't mind not having a social life. Some people imply that you have to have one of those to be happy. My happiness is being around my child and not out with people drinking and wasting money. I would much rather spend money on him than on a night out. Things change and once they change you don't ever feel the need to go back. I am happy I don't live life the way I use to live and I don't feel sorry for people anymore that do. It is up to you to decide you want better for your life and make the steps necessary to change. I can't get another job isn't an excuse for me. I can't make the money I am making isn't an excuse. Get over the fact that you think you need money to make it. If someone really wants a change they would rather work three jobs than go back to the old ways. A lot of people would rather make excuses and keep taking money however they have to get it than to be responsible and actually get a real job. Being in a job that poisons everything around you including yourself isn't worth any amount of money. I am happy with the group of people I took into 2015 with me and I know that they are true friends and not people just wanting to be nosy. So excited for 2015 and I can't wait to see what this year brings.

2015

I cannot wait for the new year to start. I look forward to the future even more now because of my son. I am eager and curious to see what awaits us. I know that I will continue to work hard towards my associates degree at Sullivan. I have a little over a year left. If I stick with 3 classes this coming summer then I should finish early 2016. I just don't know what my financial aid is going to do and my education depends on it. I hope that I get lucky and get my aid filled out early and can snag some of the grant that is only given out to a select few. I am trying not to worry about it because I know that worrying does no good. Sullivan isn't really good about communicating well about financial aid. I have an advisor who I don't believe knows much about what is going on. I have been told my books for 2015 will not be charged to my scholarship money so I hope that turns out to be correct. Usually when I get my hopes up about something there it turns out to not work out. I worked hard to earn those scholarships and you can only get them for one year so it is important to me to receive them. I guess I will just have to wait and see because with the holidays no one has been in the office so I guess the scholarships are just floating out there somewhere.

I will also work hard to get prepared for the big test for Personal Training. I know I have those people out there who don't believe in me and that is fine. I never have given the impression that my goals were easy because they are not. I don't know if I can get the money together to start my own studio and I don't know if it will be successful but I am willing to try because I want to be my own boss at something that I am passionate about. I still have so much to learn and online education is not easy because basically you are teaching yourself everything. I will have errors and I will learn how to correct them. I just want to help people and at the same time be able to have my son around so I can watch him grow up. My plan is to have my own business and have an area for him to be watched so I can pop in anytime I want and see him and make sure he is okay. I want to spend as much time with him as I can because I know that one day he will no longer need me and will be an independent teenager. He may very well be my only child so I am going to make sure I spoil him with love.

I am reaching my fitness goals and I love it! I just have to keep pushing harder because three years of being bad to my body has left me with more weight to lose rather than just baby weight. My stomach seems to be shrinking at turtle speed and it would be nice if it would catch up with the rest of me.

 I love my son more than words can say and every single day I look forward to what is ahead because I know he will be there. He makes my day when I wake up and see that sweet, innocent smile just waiting for mommy to say hello. I never knew just how much this little guy would capture my heart and I would do absolutely anything for him.

The best thing

The best thing about being a mother is watching your child learn and grow. It is sad in a way to watch them grow so fast and to see time just fly by. There comes that moment though when you just know your child loves you just as much as you love them and that will be the thing that lasts no matter what age they are. My son learned to grab his foot today and he stuffed it in his mouth. It made me laugh so hard he started laughing. I never care if I make a fool of myself. I just love to see him smile. Sometimes when other people are holding him I will walk on past and he will start crying. I know then that mommy has a special place in his little bitty heart. He is the best thing that will ever happen to me and these 6 months have been the best of my life. He is  number one on my list as soon as I get up and I great him with a smile and a million kisses. Being a mom truly is a blessing and though I don't know what to do at times it is true that there is a natural instinct to motherhood. He is always smiling and I know when I look down and see that little smirk he has that I am doing something right. His first Christmas is going to be one to really cherish. He isn't old enough to remember but I am doing my best to make it a good one. I hope that when he is grown I still remember the little things like how cute his chubby little hands are and how he makes a noise like a puppy panting when he gets excited. I hope I remember how he smiles when I rub his check and how he likes to be called bubby. Every single day I see him learn and grow and I often wonder what the future has in store for my little man. What will be his dreams and who will he want to become.?I am fortunate to have a family that embraced my baby boy from the moment they all laid eyes on him. He has so many people to teach him the ways of life and that is a blessing. He is kissed and hugged more times than I can count during the day. He will always know that it doesn't matter the things he doesn't have he has the thing that matters most and that is unconditional love. I have a demanding child so some days my patience comes into play more than others. It is worth it though and like everything these crazy stages will pass. We have dealt with colic and survived so I think we will survive the teething to. I am so thankful to be Landon Wade Wafford's mother and I hope that as the days past I remind myself to stop and take in all of the little things so that I can forever remember the joy of watching my son grow.

Long time no see

Oh wow it has been so long since I have written in my blog because I have not had a computer. The library does not leave much time to do extra. I am super happy that finally I have an actual computer again. I don't know what to do with myself. This is the first big thing I have been able to buy as an adult and it has been a long time coming. After years of failing miserably at life I think that I have finally found my purpose and I owe it all to my son Landon Wade. I never imagined that such a beautiful gift was in store for me. My life in no way was headed towards having a child. God had a bigger plan and as I have often said my son saved my life. Not many people could really see except a few just how dark my world was. All of that changed the very day I found out I was pregnant. I left that life behind and that last pregnancy was the light beginning to glow into my life again. A son changes things for people like me who have never known true love, especially from a male figure. It changes things in a way that not many people understand. I started learning what true love was the minute it was confirmed I was pregnant. I began to make the sacrifices I needed because a tiny human was now depending on me. I walked out of a job that was sucking my very soul out of me and I never looked back. I had no money and no real plan except to do whatever I had to bring this child into a beautiful world. I would not change a thing. I have forgiven myself for what I did to others while I was in this dark place and have hoped that somewhere down the line they have forgiven me.  I have learned that you definitely cannot change the past and that the things you do sometimes are hard to forget. I cannot let it consume me because I want my son to know nothing but joy and happiness. I am in the best place I believe I have ever been in my life. I still live paycheck to paycheck but my son has everything he needs and that is a blessing. I am able to pay for my personal training education and as soon as the tuition is paid in full I am eligible to be certified. I will not let my dream of having my own studio die. I know that I can accomplish this because I have the biggest, sweetest fan anyone could ask for. I want my son to grow up being proud of me because my past does not matter and it surely doesn't define me. I want to able to provide for him and not have to worry about when the next payday is. I continue my teaching degree as my back up plan because if having my own business fails I need something that will pay the bills. There were days where I didn't care if I woke up or not. Everything was crashing down around me and I lost everything in the fire. It is more humbling than ever to start over because I know that what I accomplish now is because I have worked for it. I will be able to purchase a car next year. My GPA at Sullivan is great. I finished my personal training and have my certificate on my wall. I know longer pass from day to day. Now I wake up cherishing another day and I wake up to the most beautiful part of my life. My sweet baby boy. When he looks at me I know unconditional love and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't make every decision I can with him in mind. I will better his life in every single way I possibly can so that at the end of my life I can be certain I fulfilled what was intended for my life. My purpose now is to love this little child as much as I can and fill his life with as much happiness and joy as I can. He is my hero in every single way and I thank God that he sent me and Angel. Sometimes it takes people longer than others to finally find the meaning of life. Never give up because a clean slate is always possible and it is never to late or never to impossible.

_ Babies _

It really is sad that I still have not heard from Landon's dad. I don't know how someone could just completely write off a child and disappear. Men use the excuse it might not be mine just so they can get out of taking responsibility. I can't imagine how many stamps I have wasted on letters that have probably not even be read. As the date gets closer I wonder is he ever going to be apart of anything at all? Will a paternity test change anything? If he never wanted another child I guess nothing will change is mind. He will at least take financial responsibility because as soon as I can I am filing for child support. He is not going to go this whole child's life not claiming him because the paternity test is going to prove everything. Looks like at this point a judge will have to order one because as always he father is missing and has no intention I suppose of calling or finding out anything. Once babies get to a certain point they can come anytime if they want. Due dates are just estimates. Some babies come early, some late and some right around the due date. Does he really think the baby will wait? I have never hated anyone in my life. It is such a strong word that even now I don't know if I should use it. The guy I was with for 3 years stole 7,000 dollars from me, was physically and mentally abusive and cheated on me for quite some time. Yet I do not dislike him as much as Landon's Dad. He never once put the baby first or realized what this baby deserves. He just said no one would force him to live his life a certain way. Now I can see why he isn't married anymore. I see that he is still having fun with the girl he started seeing long before I even got an official pregnancy test. It really makes me sick. I know that their are men like this out there everywhere but what would be the chances I would find them?

Despite it all I have the best gift in this entire world. I am the one coming out on the best side. If he ever tries to follow through with his threats to take my baby I will fight him until the day I die. This man that clearly said he never wanted this baby will never have custody of my child. He will never be raised by someone who does not love him and probably never will. He has not been present this whole entire pregnancy. He has not bought a single thing and I get the feeling his one call was only in hopes that everything wasn't going well. He never clearly said abortion but I know from his attitude that is what he wanted. My baby boy has been strong. His heart has always been more mature. Everytime I got to the doctor they say he must be a happy baby. He will be strong when he is born as well. I have never been happier and this has been the most exciting journey ever. It is hard physically and emotionally but everyday I cherish because I know what is inside me. I wake up knowing I am one day closer to meeting my sweet baby boy. I know that he will never be anything like his father. I don't know yet what I will tell him about his Father. He may want to be apart of Landon's life but he may not. Even if he does 9 months of his life he has disappeared and not shown at all that he cares. How do you ever tell a child that one parent never wanted him? All I know is to show him enough love so that he never has to wonder why. All children deserve two parents but it doesn't always work out that way. It is easy for the man to find another women and run off like nothing ever happened. I do not regret anything that I have went through because I know that I can do it on my own. I have good friends and good family that have contributed to the things Landon needs and that makes me happy. 6 more weeks until I get to meet my baby boy. A week or two early wouldn't hurt :)

Third trimester

I am so exhausted today I cannot even think. This last trimester is wearing me down quick. I am yet again running out of clothes that fit and it gets depressing looking at my summer clothes from last year. I am more than ready for Landon to get here. Carrying a baby is a lot harder physically than I ever imgined. Simple things become exhausting and I wonder how in the world am I going to make it another 7 weeks? I did not see feeling this bad at all. I still have yet to reach Landons dad to see if he will be there for the birth. It is getting closer and anything could happen. I would just rather know what his intentions are so that I can make arrangements. I never know what he is thinking and sometimes my mind wanders back to him saying he would take the baby from me. Would he really do that? I would die without my baby boy. He is apart of me and I have come to love him more than anything in this life. If I did not have him I do not think I could make it through. I would like to think he would not be that cruel but again afterall I do not really know him at all. To post on his wall he was in a relationship when I first started seeing him made me question if he ever really was a good person or not. He never told me back in august in he was seeing anyone or anytime after that. Is it just a cover to pretend to the world he did not father this child? I am sorry but once the paternity test is done there will be no denying it. He can tell whoeever he wants it is not his but it is and I hope soon he has to man up. I have paid for everything. He has not called much less bought a single diaper or bottle. He will probably get my voicemail today and disregard it like he has every other text, call, or letter. That is ok because I will not wait even a week after Landons born to file for child support. I do not care if you want a child or not. You create one , you take responsiblity for one. Now I just sit back and wait until Landons ready to come into the world. In the meantime just praying I make it until then. He is already turned and I feel less kicks. Now I just feel him pressing hard against my stomach and when I put my hand there he will move away. So cute! He also has the hiccups quite a bit. Meeting my boy will be the best day of my life. 

So happy

Being pregnant has been the most joyus thing to ever happen to me. I need to get documented all the things along the way I want to remember.  Being in the third trimester I am counting down the days until my little one gets here. Even though I want him here now I want him to come when he is ready and healthy. There seems to be so many things left to do before he gets here. Planning takes work and because I love being organized I have to have everything done or it will bother me for sure. The not sleeping and tossing and turning is one of the downfalls of pregnancy. I have not slept since the first trimester. I went through a stage of nightmares and vivid scary dreams in the second. Now I dream about all the male celebrites that I am a fan of. The worst part is standing on my feet. After two hours the aches start to come. After four hours straight it is unbearable. It is making work difficult and I worry about how long I can do it. If I am strained and exhausted will it affect Landon? I have no help from Landons creater. I decided to quit calling him father because he has not earned that title. I have heard from him once since feb. All of my voicemails and letters go unanswered. I really am scared he will not be there for the birth. He said he would look into why my calls are not going through. That was just another lie. I still get sad but I have bought everything, attended every doctors appointment alone and prepared the best that I could. I am use to doing it alone and comfortable doing it alone. Sure I worry about his threats once to take him away but I know that it will not happen. I am going to be a great mom. No one will ever love him like I do. I see hope in potential in him and I know I will give him a good life. He will be my little buddy. I am taking classes for teacher and personal training so that I have options to support us. No time to slack or put off some type of degree anymore. So far except for one class I am doing good. Hopefully Friday I will figure out what is going on with my math class. Life can only get better. The doctors say he is a happy baby and that makes me beam. I can only strive to make his life nothing but  happiness and joy.