Long time no see

Oh wow it has been so long since I have written in my blog because I have not had a computer. The library does not leave much time to do extra. I am super happy that finally I have an actual computer again. I don't know what to do with myself. This is the first big thing I have been able to buy as an adult and it has been a long time coming. After years of failing miserably at life I think that I have finally found my purpose and I owe it all to my son Landon Wade. I never imagined that such a beautiful gift was in store for me. My life in no way was headed towards having a child. God had a bigger plan and as I have often said my son saved my life. Not many people could really see except a few just how dark my world was. All of that changed the very day I found out I was pregnant. I left that life behind and that last pregnancy was the light beginning to glow into my life again. A son changes things for people like me who have never known true love, especially from a male figure. It changes things in a way that not many people understand. I started learning what true love was the minute it was confirmed I was pregnant. I began to make the sacrifices I needed because a tiny human was now depending on me. I walked out of a job that was sucking my very soul out of me and I never looked back. I had no money and no real plan except to do whatever I had to bring this child into a beautiful world. I would not change a thing. I have forgiven myself for what I did to others while I was in this dark place and have hoped that somewhere down the line they have forgiven me.  I have learned that you definitely cannot change the past and that the things you do sometimes are hard to forget. I cannot let it consume me because I want my son to know nothing but joy and happiness. I am in the best place I believe I have ever been in my life. I still live paycheck to paycheck but my son has everything he needs and that is a blessing. I am able to pay for my personal training education and as soon as the tuition is paid in full I am eligible to be certified. I will not let my dream of having my own studio die. I know that I can accomplish this because I have the biggest, sweetest fan anyone could ask for. I want my son to grow up being proud of me because my past does not matter and it surely doesn't define me. I want to able to provide for him and not have to worry about when the next payday is. I continue my teaching degree as my back up plan because if having my own business fails I need something that will pay the bills. There were days where I didn't care if I woke up or not. Everything was crashing down around me and I lost everything in the fire. It is more humbling than ever to start over because I know that what I accomplish now is because I have worked for it. I will be able to purchase a car next year. My GPA at Sullivan is great. I finished my personal training and have my certificate on my wall. I know longer pass from day to day. Now I wake up cherishing another day and I wake up to the most beautiful part of my life. My sweet baby boy. When he looks at me I know unconditional love and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't make every decision I can with him in mind. I will better his life in every single way I possibly can so that at the end of my life I can be certain I fulfilled what was intended for my life. My purpose now is to love this little child as much as I can and fill his life with as much happiness and joy as I can. He is my hero in every single way and I thank God that he sent me and Angel. Sometimes it takes people longer than others to finally find the meaning of life. Never give up because a clean slate is always possible and it is never to late or never to impossible.