Thanksgiving

As thanksgiving draws closer I must say that I am thankful for EVERYTHING! I am thankful for my younger siblings who bring me joy everyday.Children are the most loving. They do not hold bad days against you. The forgive and forget everything. At the end of the day they are not judgemental. In their eyes you can do nothing wrong. Is it their innocence that draws you to them and makes you want to protect them with everything you have inside you. I am thankful for good friends or do not hold my past mistakes against me. They may not understand but they are still there. They give advice and when there is none to give they just listen and are there as a shoulder to cry on.  I am thankful for the pain I have started to overcome because it has motivated me more than ever. It has truly taught me what is important in life. Sometimes losing everything is a blessing in disguse. I am thankful for all the critics who do not think that I can accomplish my dreams. These people 
push me and I cannot wait to prove you wrong. I am thankful for new people in my life who have shown me that their is still joy to be recieved in this life. Although I have not fallen in love again I have found feelings that I thought were dead. I have found that I can still laugh and that I am worthy of good and I that I will settle for no less ever again. As I continue on my path to rebuild my life I learn something new everyday. I feel like for the first time this week there truly is hope if I work hard enough. There are new things to be thankful for everyday and I will not take a single moment for granted. Happy thanksgiving!!

Holidays

I think when you go out looking for someone it always ends up in a disaster. Trying to be patient but this being single thing is getting old.  I don't think it's to much to ask to find someone who I can be happy with. At the end of the day everyone wants someone to be there. Everyone wants someone to share their hopes and dreams with. I just can't seem to find someone who really cares. I don't know if I am just looking in the wrong places or what. Everyone I know is basically in a relationship so it makes me feel even worse. Wasting your life on someone for three years who didn't even consider you his girlfriend is really a wakeup call. I will not settle just as I've been told by someone else that they will not 
settle. I guess maybe in their eyes I am not good enough for them? Superficial world we live in where way to many people care what other other people are going to think. Not me. I am the one who can see a person's heart so other's opinions should not matter at all. At this point in my life I am not even sure what love really is, It defiantly isn't what I thought it was. I suppose there is a difference in loving someone and being in love. I just don't think with all that's happened I could really even tell if someone really loved me. I sure as heck wouldn't know how to react.

There will always be critics I know ... People who want to see you fail and who do not believe in you. Those are the people that I strive most of all to prove wrong and because of them I try even more. i always believed I was a really driven person. I just never could figure out to get where I wanted, I see that changing everyday. There is a way if you really want something and if you try hard enough success is possible. I have just always let my emotions and my heart get in the way and hold  me back. Time to make everything I want happen. 

Dreams

There is a lot to think about when opening your buisness. A lot more than I thought for sure. Today has been a day of just figuiring out everything I will need and trying to figure out how I will make it work. It is going to take a lot of hard work beyond just getting certified.That is only half the battle. You have to really know what your doing as well. If you want people to succeed and be a good trainer you have to know your facts as well as be a good motivator. I don't really know how it will all come together but I know that I can make it happen. First things first is to get everything paid to get my certification. I am on my last set of lessons before I start studying for the big test. That is the ultimate test. I have to pass because then if I don't I will have wasted ALL of this time AND MONEY. My goal is just to work everyday an start buying equipment. When I have all I need to get started then I will start looking for a spot. Location is key! This is my dream and I know there are a lot of people out there who do not think that I will succeed but there is no other option for me. I have to succeed because the rest of my life depends on it. I dont want to lose someone important to me because I do not have a career. I just need a little more time to get things together. I dont have forever though so starting today each and everyday is important. If I am not studying then I need to be at work. In a month I'll be certfied so there is no point in waiting . Prayer and motivation and hard work are the only things on my mind.  

♣ blessings ♣

It's not the first time I've made someone mad and it most likely will not be the last. I do care but what can you do when the other person doesn't even want to try to understand where you are coming from? I am sorry but if I really wanted to have someone in my life I wouldn't go days without talking to them. If I knew they were trying to get in touch with me regardless of what was going on I would make the effort to let them know. Why is it that I seem so different than the people I meet? It all starts out good. The guy tries his best to do everything and anything to win you over and then once they think they have you they just stop. Why is that? Why do people have to change so much? So many people are always taking people for granted because they believe that they have them and they can never lose them. Just because someone has feelings for you doesn't mean that they are just going to continue to put up with crap. So what if my expectations are high? They are only high because I am giving what I want in return. I am so confused about the people God has brought into my life. I know that they are teaching me lessons but sometimes the lessons get to hard. I don't expect anyone in this world to even understand the emotional distress I have been through and the ways that it has changed my life. It has changed me and led  me places that  I never wanted to be. I lost everything in my life.All the money I had saved, my transmission went out on my car. I couldn't pay the rent at my place. There were just days that would go by where I couldn't even get out of bed. There were nights that I would drink so much to forget that I would throw up stomach acid all the next day. I let my health and my life go straight down the tube until I was at the lowest point in my life. So now I  am trying to rebuild.  It is not easy. It is a day to day kind of thing. I have the motivation to rise back to the top and that is the only thing I need. I just wish that I didn't invest time in people who are beyond understanding. Just because your life has been nothing but good doesn't mean that everyone gets to be that lucky. Just because you would never let the loss of someone you love destroy all that you have doesn't mean other people are that strong. We are all  different and to expect people to be like you and see the world through your eyes is just plain stupid. There is nothing wrong with starting over to me.I am here alive still getting the chance to live and make my life what I want. Just because I am 30 and not where I want to be doesn't mean that I will  never get there. I just had a huge stumbling block that has blocked my path for a little while. I will work hard to earn the money back. I will find a way to bring peace back to my soul, It just takes losing everything to finally see what life really means,.

◘ Broken Free ◘

It's been a long time since I  have cried like I did last night. I guess in feeling attacked and judged I just lost it. People are so quick to judge when they do not know what you've been through or what you have had to put up with. Pain changes people and sometimes it changes you even when you don't want it to. It has not even been a year since I have broken free from the biggest downfall of my life. It has taken me places that I never though I'd go to and truly brought me to my knees. I am slowly rebuilding and I really do not need someone else coming into my life and screwing my head up again. People are so selfish and constantly want to blame others and point out their faults. WE ALL HAVE FAULTS! I have become insecure. I have become clingy and desperate just to have someone who I can turn to who isn't going to disappear. I am lonely and scared and most of all I am confused. It's just sort of what happened in all the madness. I desperately long to get back to me and each and everyday I fight for that. Do I have the answers to why we fall so madly in love with people that we cannot see logic nor destruction? No I don't because if I did I could have saved myself so much heartache. I am just here to learn and to rebuild and to find my way in life again. Everyone wants someone in this life who will understand them. So many times all I have wanted was for someone to just realize that I am broken and take me in their arms and say it will be okay. People are beyond understanding. You are weird or you are misunderstood because they have never been around a person who has lived with so much pain. Like I have said we should all be so lucky to go through relationships that are healthy and that help us grow and only teach us . That doesn't happen. Some of us suffer emotional and physical abuse and when it is all over our whole worlds upside down. People need to try to understand more. Realize that the way you see life isn't how everyone else sees it.  The way you have been able to live life isn't the luxury that others have been lucky to receive We are all different and we all are human. Some of us just need a little more time to figure out the things in life that matter and leave all the bullshit behind. I don't deserve to be screamed at. I deserve someone who is going to understand all my fears and be there until I can break through them. I would do it for someone else and it isn't to much to ask to get it for myself. If I can't then there is not reason to even begin to try to make a relationship work. You should choose to be with someone based on their heart. Not their job. Not how much money they have, Not what they've been through. Don't let them go when things are difficult. Just work through them and realize that their admiration and eventually their love for you is all that really matters.

◘ Love ◘

When it comes to matters of the heart I am not expert. I am learning and living day by day just like everyone else. I make a lot of mistakes because I am scared. The things that have happened to me have changed me when I didn't want them to. I wish that I could be the person that I was before. We all should be lucky to go through life and relationships and not be damaged or destroyed. Some of us fall madly in love with people who turn out to be the biggest downfall of our lives. I didn't ask for it. Sure I could have made changes before it got to far gone but I can't go back now. I just have to hope that there is a man out there who can see how damaged I am and still want to be apart of me life. When I am unsure and want to run the other way they will understand and pull me closer. It is even more important to me now than ever before that I only give my time to people who make me important. Who treat me the way I treat them and who do not take me granted. I demand to be paid attention to and time to be made for me because I deserve it. I cannot give all of myself anymore unless I have a good feeling that it is going to go somewhere. I cannot have feelings for someone who is just going to be a stone wall. I don't have it in me to try to break through walls and save people who aren't capable of having relationships. I am tired of being the one who has to hold everything together. I want someone to be there for me just once. I do want to be with someone and have someone in my life who makes me happy and who I can go to when all the stresses of life wear me down. It's just not enough anymore to say your miss someone or say you enjoy someone's company. You have to back up everything you say. If you say your going to call then call. If something comes up explain. Always treat someone the way you would want. If someone doesn't answer your call and you think that they are with someone else then think what that person thinks when you don't return calls or texts. I have tried for so long on those that I was sure could love if they could just put their guard down. It's to exhausting. I can't fix anyone because I can't even fix myself. Love is all about risks and finding the person who is worth the pain if it doesn't work out. Right now I would just like to get someone who gives me butterflies because without those there is no hope.

○ No need to prove a thing ○

I don't find the need anymore to prove anything to anyone. My journey has been long but it is not over and I have defiantly not given up on my dreams and hopes. Even when everything seems like it is a mess I know that I can overcome it. Simply daily changes and taking things one day at a time are what's going to get me where I need to be. I promise you that when I am there I will not be talking to my own family anymore. On a daily basis I am told what a loser I am and that I suck because I have no career. I am told that I am hated and made to feel like a failure. From now on I will no longer let these comments aggravate me or make me cry. When situations arise where I am being yelled at and put down I will do whatever necessary to remove myself from the situation. I will no longer let anyone or anything stand in the way of my goals. I have let people have control over me for way to long. Your own family is supposed to support you. Not constantly make you not even want to ever speak to the them again. Thank goodness there are still other family members and good friends who give me inspiration. I am on the journey to finding inner peace and establishing my place in this life. Pent up frustration and years of nothing but heartbreak have really taken a toll on my life. It has caused me to fall off the path that I had set out for myself. I know that I am the only one who can save myself. I am the only one who can turn it all around. It is still worth saving and able to be saved and that is a blessing. I can still turn my health around. I can still finally graduate from school. Someone came into my life that makes me realize that no one should have control over your emotions. People are not all the same. You cannot constantly think that something negative is going on just because you have been conditioned to think that way. As long as there is life there is hope.