Long time no see

Oh wow it has been so long since I have written in my blog because I have not had a computer. The library does not leave much time to do extra. I am super happy that finally I have an actual computer again. I don't know what to do with myself. This is the first big thing I have been able to buy as an adult and it has been a long time coming. After years of failing miserably at life I think that I have finally found my purpose and I owe it all to my son Landon Wade. I never imagined that such a beautiful gift was in store for me. My life in no way was headed towards having a child. God had a bigger plan and as I have often said my son saved my life. Not many people could really see except a few just how dark my world was. All of that changed the very day I found out I was pregnant. I left that life behind and that last pregnancy was the light beginning to glow into my life again. A son changes things for people like me who have never known true love, especially from a male figure. It changes things in a way that not many people understand. I started learning what true love was the minute it was confirmed I was pregnant. I began to make the sacrifices I needed because a tiny human was now depending on me. I walked out of a job that was sucking my very soul out of me and I never looked back. I had no money and no real plan except to do whatever I had to bring this child into a beautiful world. I would not change a thing. I have forgiven myself for what I did to others while I was in this dark place and have hoped that somewhere down the line they have forgiven me.  I have learned that you definitely cannot change the past and that the things you do sometimes are hard to forget. I cannot let it consume me because I want my son to know nothing but joy and happiness. I am in the best place I believe I have ever been in my life. I still live paycheck to paycheck but my son has everything he needs and that is a blessing. I am able to pay for my personal training education and as soon as the tuition is paid in full I am eligible to be certified. I will not let my dream of having my own studio die. I know that I can accomplish this because I have the biggest, sweetest fan anyone could ask for. I want my son to grow up being proud of me because my past does not matter and it surely doesn't define me. I want to able to provide for him and not have to worry about when the next payday is. I continue my teaching degree as my back up plan because if having my own business fails I need something that will pay the bills. There were days where I didn't care if I woke up or not. Everything was crashing down around me and I lost everything in the fire. It is more humbling than ever to start over because I know that what I accomplish now is because I have worked for it. I will be able to purchase a car next year. My GPA at Sullivan is great. I finished my personal training and have my certificate on my wall. I know longer pass from day to day. Now I wake up cherishing another day and I wake up to the most beautiful part of my life. My sweet baby boy. When he looks at me I know unconditional love and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't make every decision I can with him in mind. I will better his life in every single way I possibly can so that at the end of my life I can be certain I fulfilled what was intended for my life. My purpose now is to love this little child as much as I can and fill his life with as much happiness and joy as I can. He is my hero in every single way and I thank God that he sent me and Angel. Sometimes it takes people longer than others to finally find the meaning of life. Never give up because a clean slate is always possible and it is never to late or never to impossible.

_ Babies _

It really is sad that I still have not heard from Landon's dad. I don't know how someone could just completely write off a child and disappear. Men use the excuse it might not be mine just so they can get out of taking responsibility. I can't imagine how many stamps I have wasted on letters that have probably not even be read. As the date gets closer I wonder is he ever going to be apart of anything at all? Will a paternity test change anything? If he never wanted another child I guess nothing will change is mind. He will at least take financial responsibility because as soon as I can I am filing for child support. He is not going to go this whole child's life not claiming him because the paternity test is going to prove everything. Looks like at this point a judge will have to order one because as always he father is missing and has no intention I suppose of calling or finding out anything. Once babies get to a certain point they can come anytime if they want. Due dates are just estimates. Some babies come early, some late and some right around the due date. Does he really think the baby will wait? I have never hated anyone in my life. It is such a strong word that even now I don't know if I should use it. The guy I was with for 3 years stole 7,000 dollars from me, was physically and mentally abusive and cheated on me for quite some time. Yet I do not dislike him as much as Landon's Dad. He never once put the baby first or realized what this baby deserves. He just said no one would force him to live his life a certain way. Now I can see why he isn't married anymore. I see that he is still having fun with the girl he started seeing long before I even got an official pregnancy test. It really makes me sick. I know that their are men like this out there everywhere but what would be the chances I would find them?

Despite it all I have the best gift in this entire world. I am the one coming out on the best side. If he ever tries to follow through with his threats to take my baby I will fight him until the day I die. This man that clearly said he never wanted this baby will never have custody of my child. He will never be raised by someone who does not love him and probably never will. He has not been present this whole entire pregnancy. He has not bought a single thing and I get the feeling his one call was only in hopes that everything wasn't going well. He never clearly said abortion but I know from his attitude that is what he wanted. My baby boy has been strong. His heart has always been more mature. Everytime I got to the doctor they say he must be a happy baby. He will be strong when he is born as well. I have never been happier and this has been the most exciting journey ever. It is hard physically and emotionally but everyday I cherish because I know what is inside me. I wake up knowing I am one day closer to meeting my sweet baby boy. I know that he will never be anything like his father. I don't know yet what I will tell him about his Father. He may want to be apart of Landon's life but he may not. Even if he does 9 months of his life he has disappeared and not shown at all that he cares. How do you ever tell a child that one parent never wanted him? All I know is to show him enough love so that he never has to wonder why. All children deserve two parents but it doesn't always work out that way. It is easy for the man to find another women and run off like nothing ever happened. I do not regret anything that I have went through because I know that I can do it on my own. I have good friends and good family that have contributed to the things Landon needs and that makes me happy. 6 more weeks until I get to meet my baby boy. A week or two early wouldn't hurt :)

Third trimester

I am so exhausted today I cannot even think. This last trimester is wearing me down quick. I am yet again running out of clothes that fit and it gets depressing looking at my summer clothes from last year. I am more than ready for Landon to get here. Carrying a baby is a lot harder physically than I ever imgined. Simple things become exhausting and I wonder how in the world am I going to make it another 7 weeks? I did not see feeling this bad at all. I still have yet to reach Landons dad to see if he will be there for the birth. It is getting closer and anything could happen. I would just rather know what his intentions are so that I can make arrangements. I never know what he is thinking and sometimes my mind wanders back to him saying he would take the baby from me. Would he really do that? I would die without my baby boy. He is apart of me and I have come to love him more than anything in this life. If I did not have him I do not think I could make it through. I would like to think he would not be that cruel but again afterall I do not really know him at all. To post on his wall he was in a relationship when I first started seeing him made me question if he ever really was a good person or not. He never told me back in august in he was seeing anyone or anytime after that. Is it just a cover to pretend to the world he did not father this child? I am sorry but once the paternity test is done there will be no denying it. He can tell whoeever he wants it is not his but it is and I hope soon he has to man up. I have paid for everything. He has not called much less bought a single diaper or bottle. He will probably get my voicemail today and disregard it like he has every other text, call, or letter. That is ok because I will not wait even a week after Landons born to file for child support. I do not care if you want a child or not. You create one , you take responsiblity for one. Now I just sit back and wait until Landons ready to come into the world. In the meantime just praying I make it until then. He is already turned and I feel less kicks. Now I just feel him pressing hard against my stomach and when I put my hand there he will move away. So cute! He also has the hiccups quite a bit. Meeting my boy will be the best day of my life. 

So happy

Being pregnant has been the most joyus thing to ever happen to me. I need to get documented all the things along the way I want to remember.  Being in the third trimester I am counting down the days until my little one gets here. Even though I want him here now I want him to come when he is ready and healthy. There seems to be so many things left to do before he gets here. Planning takes work and because I love being organized I have to have everything done or it will bother me for sure. The not sleeping and tossing and turning is one of the downfalls of pregnancy. I have not slept since the first trimester. I went through a stage of nightmares and vivid scary dreams in the second. Now I dream about all the male celebrites that I am a fan of. The worst part is standing on my feet. After two hours the aches start to come. After four hours straight it is unbearable. It is making work difficult and I worry about how long I can do it. If I am strained and exhausted will it affect Landon? I have no help from Landons creater. I decided to quit calling him father because he has not earned that title. I have heard from him once since feb. All of my voicemails and letters go unanswered. I really am scared he will not be there for the birth. He said he would look into why my calls are not going through. That was just another lie. I still get sad but I have bought everything, attended every doctors appointment alone and prepared the best that I could. I am use to doing it alone and comfortable doing it alone. Sure I worry about his threats once to take him away but I know that it will not happen. I am going to be a great mom. No one will ever love him like I do. I see hope in potential in him and I know I will give him a good life. He will be my little buddy. I am taking classes for teacher and personal training so that I have options to support us. No time to slack or put off some type of degree anymore. So far except for one class I am doing good. Hopefully Friday I will figure out what is going on with my math class. Life can only get better. The doctors say he is a happy baby and that makes me beam. I can only strive to make his life nothing but  happiness and joy.

STRANGELY SO

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SOME PEOPLE ARE SO MISERABLE. WHAT MAKES YOUR LIFE SO BAD THAT ALL YOU CAN SEEM TO DO IS COMPLAIN FROM THE TIME YOU WAKE UP TO THE TIME YOU GO BED? EVERYONE MAKES CHOICES SO WHY COMPLAIN AFTER YOU HAVE MADE THOSE CHOICES? IT SIMPLY BLOWS MY MIND BUT I AM SICK OF THE NEGATIVITY DAY AFTER DAY. WHEN THERE IS REALLY SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THEN MAYBE I WILL UNDERSTAND BUT AT THIS POINT ALL I SEE IS SOMEONE TAKING THEIR UNHAPPINESS ON OTHERS. STOP BRINGING PEOPLE DOWN BECAUSE YOU ARE MISERABLE. ONE DAY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE ME SNAP AND WHEN I DO I DO NOT THINK THEY SHOULD QUESTION WHY. TO ME CHILDREN ARE GIFTS. YOU CANNOT CHOOSE TO HAVE THEM OR ADOPT THEM AND THEN TELL THEM EVERYDAY YOU WISH THEY WERE NOT HERE . GROWN KIDS CAN OVERLOOK IT BUT I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT IT DOES A CHILD. I CAN SEE THE CONSEQUNCES OF IT FOR SURE. THE ACTING OUT AND NEVER LISTENING. I DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT I JUST LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY I DO NOT HAVE TO BE SUBJECTED TO IT. 

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH. I SAW A RECENT PICTURE OF SOMEONE THAT MADE ME THINK. NO ONE EVER KNOWS HOW SOMEONE ELSE IS FEELING. AS MUCH AS WE TRY TO IMAGINE FROM OUR MINDS WHAT SOMEONE IS FEELING BECAUSE OF THEIR ACTIONS WE NEVER REALLY KNOW. I DO KNOW THAT ANGER AND HURTING OTHER PEOPLE ARE WAYS PEOPLE COPE WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG. SO I WILL LOOK PAST ALL THIS PERSON HAS DONE AND TRY TO SEE THAT THEY TO MAY BE STRUGGLING WITH WHAT  IS GOING ON. I WILL NOT ENTIRELY FORGET BUT I CAN PUT MYSELF IN THEIR SHOES. 

DO NOT TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED MY FRIENDS. THERE IS NOTHING THAT IS THROWN IN OUR PATHS THAT CANNOT BE OVERCOME. DO NOT LET SITUATIONS MAKE YOU BITTER.  LET THEM MAKE YOUR STRONGER. CHERISH YOUR CHILDREN. DO NOT HAVE THEM IF YOU DO NOT TRULY WANT THEM. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY BECAUSE WORDS CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK.

HARD WAY

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE SOMEWHERE TRYING TO BRING YOU DOWN , WHEN THEY ARE MISERABLE AND YOU ARE HAPPY THEY TRY EVERYTHING TO BRING YOU DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL . PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START LEARNING THE HARD WAY THAT I WILL NOT BE TREATED JUST ANYWAY. I HAVE TO TAKE OUT ON THE KIDS WHAT IS MY MOMS FAULT. I SUPPLIED DINNER TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AND BOUGHT THE KIDS SHIRTS AND ALL I HEAR IS HER GETTING MAD AT SOMEONE ELSE AND SAYING SHE WILL CALL THE COPS AND HAVE THE GROWN KIDS SET OUT. I AM BEYOND SICK OF IT. I ALREADY AM AWARE SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM. SO I WILL NOT BE BUYING THE KIDS ANYTHING ELSE. I WILL NOT BE SPENDING ANOTHER DIME ON THEM BECAUSE SHE CHOOSES TO BE MISERABLE AND NOT APPRECIATE  ANYTHING. IVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE NOT EVEN WANT THEIR OWN KIDS AROUND. AS OF TODAY THINGS ARE CHANGING. I WILL GO EVERYWHERE BY MYSELF AND SPEND MONEY ON MY OWN CHILD. THERE WILL BE NO MORE GROCERIES BOUGHT OR BABYSITTING. NOT SURE WHAT THEY WILL  DO ON SPRING BREAK FOR LUNCH BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING BUT HAMBURGER HELPER THEY CANT FIX. AS I COOL DOWN FROM THE LATEST YELLING INCIDENT I WILL RETURN TO MY HAPPINESS. ILL MAKE PLANS SOONER OR LATER SO ME AND MY BABY CAN BE GONE FROM THIS MADNESS. 

My Boy

Becoming a parent is the most exciting thing that will ever happen to me. I can't believe me and my boy have made it to 25 weeks. Everyday is about preparing the best I can because once I get to 35 weeks there's no telling when he will come. No words can describe how happy and at peace I am. There are days that are stressful when it comes to thinking about how I'll manage financially. The father has not been there and I don't really know if he will ever be. I won't stop reaching out to him though because my boy deserves two parents. I have let go of the fact that he was seeing someone else before my official doctor visit. I am over him saying he would be there and attend appointments and help financially. No reason to hang on to this because no matter what my joy will not be taken away. He has threatened to try and take him from me. I don't want my baby in a long court drawn out battle. My prayer is we can work out a good plan to co-parent him when he's old enough. My prayer is he will financially do what he is supposed to do. I keep every receipt of everything I buy because I want him to know what he needs to invest now. I can't imagine a day without my boy or even worse having him taken from me. Threats like that are heartless and I will never forgive him for saying it. Whether he meant it or not I have loved this boy since the day I knew he existed and no one will ever love him like I do. I am very anxious for him to get here and I feel like then my life will have meaning and will really begin. Every decision I make is for him. My fall at work thank goodness was nothing major. Landon was fine and that's all that matters. I was really hurt to find out my mom and my brother had said that I made the whole thing up just to use her van to do things with. I would never lie about my baby. Second I never had the van. Jordan dropped me off, picked me up and then went to work. My wish is to get away from them. Constant negativity and saying things like that is not something I want my baby around. My own family sits and talks about each other behind their backs and it's disgusting. Maybe if certain people in that house would get a life and stop living in a way that isn't even right it would be a lot better. I don't want my child around all that and I'll do whatever I have to so that he is away from it. I would keep my child my from my family. If they continue to leave me without a ride to appointments and continue talk about me I will leave and never come back.