2015

I cannot wait for the new year to start. I look forward to the future even more now because of my son. I am eager and curious to see what awaits us. I know that I will continue to work hard towards my associates degree at Sullivan. I have a little over a year left. If I stick with 3 classes this coming summer then I should finish early 2016. I just don't know what my financial aid is going to do and my education depends on it. I hope that I get lucky and get my aid filled out early and can snag some of the grant that is only given out to a select few. I am trying not to worry about it because I know that worrying does no good. Sullivan isn't really good about communicating well about financial aid. I have an advisor who I don't believe knows much about what is going on. I have been told my books for 2015 will not be charged to my scholarship money so I hope that turns out to be correct. Usually when I get my hopes up about something there it turns out to not work out. I worked hard to earn those scholarships and you can only get them for one year so it is important to me to receive them. I guess I will just have to wait and see because with the holidays no one has been in the office so I guess the scholarships are just floating out there somewhere.

I will also work hard to get prepared for the big test for Personal Training. I know I have those people out there who don't believe in me and that is fine. I never have given the impression that my goals were easy because they are not. I don't know if I can get the money together to start my own studio and I don't know if it will be successful but I am willing to try because I want to be my own boss at something that I am passionate about. I still have so much to learn and online education is not easy because basically you are teaching yourself everything. I will have errors and I will learn how to correct them. I just want to help people and at the same time be able to have my son around so I can watch him grow up. My plan is to have my own business and have an area for him to be watched so I can pop in anytime I want and see him and make sure he is okay. I want to spend as much time with him as I can because I know that one day he will no longer need me and will be an independent teenager. He may very well be my only child so I am going to make sure I spoil him with love.

I am reaching my fitness goals and I love it! I just have to keep pushing harder because three years of being bad to my body has left me with more weight to lose rather than just baby weight. My stomach seems to be shrinking at turtle speed and it would be nice if it would catch up with the rest of me.

 I love my son more than words can say and every single day I look forward to what is ahead because I know he will be there. He makes my day when I wake up and see that sweet, innocent smile just waiting for mommy to say hello. I never knew just how much this little guy would capture my heart and I would do absolutely anything for him.

The best thing

The best thing about being a mother is watching your child learn and grow. It is sad in a way to watch them grow so fast and to see time just fly by. There comes that moment though when you just know your child loves you just as much as you love them and that will be the thing that lasts no matter what age they are. My son learned to grab his foot today and he stuffed it in his mouth. It made me laugh so hard he started laughing. I never care if I make a fool of myself. I just love to see him smile. Sometimes when other people are holding him I will walk on past and he will start crying. I know then that mommy has a special place in his little bitty heart. He is the best thing that will ever happen to me and these 6 months have been the best of my life. He is  number one on my list as soon as I get up and I great him with a smile and a million kisses. Being a mom truly is a blessing and though I don't know what to do at times it is true that there is a natural instinct to motherhood. He is always smiling and I know when I look down and see that little smirk he has that I am doing something right. His first Christmas is going to be one to really cherish. He isn't old enough to remember but I am doing my best to make it a good one. I hope that when he is grown I still remember the little things like how cute his chubby little hands are and how he makes a noise like a puppy panting when he gets excited. I hope I remember how he smiles when I rub his check and how he likes to be called bubby. Every single day I see him learn and grow and I often wonder what the future has in store for my little man. What will be his dreams and who will he want to become.?I am fortunate to have a family that embraced my baby boy from the moment they all laid eyes on him. He has so many people to teach him the ways of life and that is a blessing. He is kissed and hugged more times than I can count during the day. He will always know that it doesn't matter the things he doesn't have he has the thing that matters most and that is unconditional love. I have a demanding child so some days my patience comes into play more than others. It is worth it though and like everything these crazy stages will pass. We have dealt with colic and survived so I think we will survive the teething to. I am so thankful to be Landon Wade Wafford's mother and I hope that as the days past I remind myself to stop and take in all of the little things so that I can forever remember the joy of watching my son grow.

Long time no see

Oh wow it has been so long since I have written in my blog because I have not had a computer. The library does not leave much time to do extra. I am super happy that finally I have an actual computer again. I don't know what to do with myself. This is the first big thing I have been able to buy as an adult and it has been a long time coming. After years of failing miserably at life I think that I have finally found my purpose and I owe it all to my son Landon Wade. I never imagined that such a beautiful gift was in store for me. My life in no way was headed towards having a child. God had a bigger plan and as I have often said my son saved my life. Not many people could really see except a few just how dark my world was. All of that changed the very day I found out I was pregnant. I left that life behind and that last pregnancy was the light beginning to glow into my life again. A son changes things for people like me who have never known true love, especially from a male figure. It changes things in a way that not many people understand. I started learning what true love was the minute it was confirmed I was pregnant. I began to make the sacrifices I needed because a tiny human was now depending on me. I walked out of a job that was sucking my very soul out of me and I never looked back. I had no money and no real plan except to do whatever I had to bring this child into a beautiful world. I would not change a thing. I have forgiven myself for what I did to others while I was in this dark place and have hoped that somewhere down the line they have forgiven me.  I have learned that you definitely cannot change the past and that the things you do sometimes are hard to forget. I cannot let it consume me because I want my son to know nothing but joy and happiness. I am in the best place I believe I have ever been in my life. I still live paycheck to paycheck but my son has everything he needs and that is a blessing. I am able to pay for my personal training education and as soon as the tuition is paid in full I am eligible to be certified. I will not let my dream of having my own studio die. I know that I can accomplish this because I have the biggest, sweetest fan anyone could ask for. I want my son to grow up being proud of me because my past does not matter and it surely doesn't define me. I want to able to provide for him and not have to worry about when the next payday is. I continue my teaching degree as my back up plan because if having my own business fails I need something that will pay the bills. There were days where I didn't care if I woke up or not. Everything was crashing down around me and I lost everything in the fire. It is more humbling than ever to start over because I know that what I accomplish now is because I have worked for it. I will be able to purchase a car next year. My GPA at Sullivan is great. I finished my personal training and have my certificate on my wall. I know longer pass from day to day. Now I wake up cherishing another day and I wake up to the most beautiful part of my life. My sweet baby boy. When he looks at me I know unconditional love and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't make every decision I can with him in mind. I will better his life in every single way I possibly can so that at the end of my life I can be certain I fulfilled what was intended for my life. My purpose now is to love this little child as much as I can and fill his life with as much happiness and joy as I can. He is my hero in every single way and I thank God that he sent me and Angel. Sometimes it takes people longer than others to finally find the meaning of life. Never give up because a clean slate is always possible and it is never to late or never to impossible.