Third trimester

I am so exhausted today I cannot even think. This last trimester is wearing me down quick. I am yet again running out of clothes that fit and it gets depressing looking at my summer clothes from last year. I am more than ready for Landon to get here. Carrying a baby is a lot harder physically than I ever imgined. Simple things become exhausting and I wonder how in the world am I going to make it another 7 weeks? I did not see feeling this bad at all. I still have yet to reach Landons dad to see if he will be there for the birth. It is getting closer and anything could happen. I would just rather know what his intentions are so that I can make arrangements. I never know what he is thinking and sometimes my mind wanders back to him saying he would take the baby from me. Would he really do that? I would die without my baby boy. He is apart of me and I have come to love him more than anything in this life. If I did not have him I do not think I could make it through. I would like to think he would not be that cruel but again afterall I do not really know him at all. To post on his wall he was in a relationship when I first started seeing him made me question if he ever really was a good person or not. He never told me back in august in he was seeing anyone or anytime after that. Is it just a cover to pretend to the world he did not father this child? I am sorry but once the paternity test is done there will be no denying it. He can tell whoeever he wants it is not his but it is and I hope soon he has to man up. I have paid for everything. He has not called much less bought a single diaper or bottle. He will probably get my voicemail today and disregard it like he has every other text, call, or letter. That is ok because I will not wait even a week after Landons born to file for child support. I do not care if you want a child or not. You create one , you take responsiblity for one. Now I just sit back and wait until Landons ready to come into the world. In the meantime just praying I make it until then. He is already turned and I feel less kicks. Now I just feel him pressing hard against my stomach and when I put my hand there he will move away. So cute! He also has the hiccups quite a bit. Meeting my boy will be the best day of my life. 

So happy

Being pregnant has been the most joyus thing to ever happen to me. I need to get documented all the things along the way I want to remember.  Being in the third trimester I am counting down the days until my little one gets here. Even though I want him here now I want him to come when he is ready and healthy. There seems to be so many things left to do before he gets here. Planning takes work and because I love being organized I have to have everything done or it will bother me for sure. The not sleeping and tossing and turning is one of the downfalls of pregnancy. I have not slept since the first trimester. I went through a stage of nightmares and vivid scary dreams in the second. Now I dream about all the male celebrites that I am a fan of. The worst part is standing on my feet. After two hours the aches start to come. After four hours straight it is unbearable. It is making work difficult and I worry about how long I can do it. If I am strained and exhausted will it affect Landon? I have no help from Landons creater. I decided to quit calling him father because he has not earned that title. I have heard from him once since feb. All of my voicemails and letters go unanswered. I really am scared he will not be there for the birth. He said he would look into why my calls are not going through. That was just another lie. I still get sad but I have bought everything, attended every doctors appointment alone and prepared the best that I could. I am use to doing it alone and comfortable doing it alone. Sure I worry about his threats once to take him away but I know that it will not happen. I am going to be a great mom. No one will ever love him like I do. I see hope in potential in him and I know I will give him a good life. He will be my little buddy. I am taking classes for teacher and personal training so that I have options to support us. No time to slack or put off some type of degree anymore. So far except for one class I am doing good. Hopefully Friday I will figure out what is going on with my math class. Life can only get better. The doctors say he is a happy baby and that makes me beam. I can only strive to make his life nothing but  happiness and joy.

STRANGELY SO

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SOME PEOPLE ARE SO MISERABLE. WHAT MAKES YOUR LIFE SO BAD THAT ALL YOU CAN SEEM TO DO IS COMPLAIN FROM THE TIME YOU WAKE UP TO THE TIME YOU GO BED? EVERYONE MAKES CHOICES SO WHY COMPLAIN AFTER YOU HAVE MADE THOSE CHOICES? IT SIMPLY BLOWS MY MIND BUT I AM SICK OF THE NEGATIVITY DAY AFTER DAY. WHEN THERE IS REALLY SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THEN MAYBE I WILL UNDERSTAND BUT AT THIS POINT ALL I SEE IS SOMEONE TAKING THEIR UNHAPPINESS ON OTHERS. STOP BRINGING PEOPLE DOWN BECAUSE YOU ARE MISERABLE. ONE DAY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE ME SNAP AND WHEN I DO I DO NOT THINK THEY SHOULD QUESTION WHY. TO ME CHILDREN ARE GIFTS. YOU CANNOT CHOOSE TO HAVE THEM OR ADOPT THEM AND THEN TELL THEM EVERYDAY YOU WISH THEY WERE NOT HERE . GROWN KIDS CAN OVERLOOK IT BUT I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT IT DOES A CHILD. I CAN SEE THE CONSEQUNCES OF IT FOR SURE. THE ACTING OUT AND NEVER LISTENING. I DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT I JUST LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY I DO NOT HAVE TO BE SUBJECTED TO IT. 

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH. I SAW A RECENT PICTURE OF SOMEONE THAT MADE ME THINK. NO ONE EVER KNOWS HOW SOMEONE ELSE IS FEELING. AS MUCH AS WE TRY TO IMAGINE FROM OUR MINDS WHAT SOMEONE IS FEELING BECAUSE OF THEIR ACTIONS WE NEVER REALLY KNOW. I DO KNOW THAT ANGER AND HURTING OTHER PEOPLE ARE WAYS PEOPLE COPE WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG. SO I WILL LOOK PAST ALL THIS PERSON HAS DONE AND TRY TO SEE THAT THEY TO MAY BE STRUGGLING WITH WHAT  IS GOING ON. I WILL NOT ENTIRELY FORGET BUT I CAN PUT MYSELF IN THEIR SHOES. 

DO NOT TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED MY FRIENDS. THERE IS NOTHING THAT IS THROWN IN OUR PATHS THAT CANNOT BE OVERCOME. DO NOT LET SITUATIONS MAKE YOU BITTER.  LET THEM MAKE YOUR STRONGER. CHERISH YOUR CHILDREN. DO NOT HAVE THEM IF YOU DO NOT TRULY WANT THEM. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY BECAUSE WORDS CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK.