◘ Love ◘

When it comes to matters of the heart I am not expert. I am learning and living day by day just like everyone else. I make a lot of mistakes because I am scared. The things that have happened to me have changed me when I didn't want them to. I wish that I could be the person that I was before. We all should be lucky to go through life and relationships and not be damaged or destroyed. Some of us fall madly in love with people who turn out to be the biggest downfall of our lives. I didn't ask for it. Sure I could have made changes before it got to far gone but I can't go back now. I just have to hope that there is a man out there who can see how damaged I am and still want to be apart of me life. When I am unsure and want to run the other way they will understand and pull me closer. It is even more important to me now than ever before that I only give my time to people who make me important. Who treat me the way I treat them and who do not take me granted. I demand to be paid attention to and time to be made for me because I deserve it. I cannot give all of myself anymore unless I have a good feeling that it is going to go somewhere. I cannot have feelings for someone who is just going to be a stone wall. I don't have it in me to try to break through walls and save people who aren't capable of having relationships. I am tired of being the one who has to hold everything together. I want someone to be there for me just once. I do want to be with someone and have someone in my life who makes me happy and who I can go to when all the stresses of life wear me down. It's just not enough anymore to say your miss someone or say you enjoy someone's company. You have to back up everything you say. If you say your going to call then call. If something comes up explain. Always treat someone the way you would want. If someone doesn't answer your call and you think that they are with someone else then think what that person thinks when you don't return calls or texts. I have tried for so long on those that I was sure could love if they could just put their guard down. It's to exhausting. I can't fix anyone because I can't even fix myself. Love is all about risks and finding the person who is worth the pain if it doesn't work out. Right now I would just like to get someone who gives me butterflies because without those there is no hope.

○ No need to prove a thing ○

I don't find the need anymore to prove anything to anyone. My journey has been long but it is not over and I have defiantly not given up on my dreams and hopes. Even when everything seems like it is a mess I know that I can overcome it. Simply daily changes and taking things one day at a time are what's going to get me where I need to be. I promise you that when I am there I will not be talking to my own family anymore. On a daily basis I am told what a loser I am and that I suck because I have no career. I am told that I am hated and made to feel like a failure. From now on I will no longer let these comments aggravate me or make me cry. When situations arise where I am being yelled at and put down I will do whatever necessary to remove myself from the situation. I will no longer let anyone or anything stand in the way of my goals. I have let people have control over me for way to long. Your own family is supposed to support you. Not constantly make you not even want to ever speak to the them again. Thank goodness there are still other family members and good friends who give me inspiration. I am on the journey to finding inner peace and establishing my place in this life. Pent up frustration and years of nothing but heartbreak have really taken a toll on my life. It has caused me to fall off the path that I had set out for myself. I know that I am the only one who can save myself. I am the only one who can turn it all around. It is still worth saving and able to be saved and that is a blessing. I can still turn my health around. I can still finally graduate from school. Someone came into my life that makes me realize that no one should have control over your emotions. People are not all the same. You cannot constantly think that something negative is going on just because you have been conditioned to think that way. As long as there is life there is hope.